So I'm almost a runner... and other life events...

Well I've once again fallen off the face of the earth blogwise, so I guess I need to post what's been happening in my life. Lots of activity, lots of events. Lots of crying too. Let's see, where do I start?

The bad things:
1. I stopped taking my medication. This was a bad move. I thought I could function without it. I was on three different medications for depression. It was coming time for me to see the nurse practitioner and get my refills. My visits to the nurse practitioner cost $45 (copay). My medication copays add up to $70. I didn't want to spend that money, so I stopped. I thought I could just power through.

That was a mistake. I spent about a month spiraling into depression that rivaled the post-partum depression I had after my third child. I'm still climbing my way out of it.

In desperation, I held a GoFundMe fundraiser so I could afford to get going again. I was surprised and touched at how many friends care and want to help. I hope someday to be in a position where I can actually help other people. Right now I'm not.

2. I'm in a career rut. I don't love my job. I've been afraid to admit that. But it's true. I feel like my career has been a series of bad decisions. I see other people whose careers started around the same time as mine, and I feel like I've failed. Of course, I started my library career 4 weeks after giving birth to my first child, and since then I've had 2 more. So I guess I haven't completely failed at life. But sometimes I feel like I have. Sometimes I feel like if I didn't have kids I would be further in my career. That's probably true. But then I wouldn't have my kids. That would be even worse...

I look at where I am currently, and I feel stuck. There is no tenure/promotion system. There is nowhere for me to "work up to." I can't get a raise. I can't move up to anything. It feels like a dead end job. I'm not sure what my role is in the organization. I do what I'm supposed to, but the title "Reference/information literacy librarian" feels hollow, without purpose.

3. I want to be a stay at home mom. I realized lately that I absolutely hate leaving my children and going to work. My husband is not working during the day, so he has become the stay at home parent most days. And I am extremely jealous. I want to be the one to stay home with the kids.

But, there are also some good things happening.
4. I finished the semester. I decided about halfway through the semester to drop both classes. Well, my professors talked me out of it. One professor said, "Don't drop, just take an Incomplete." So that was my plan. Well, 3 days before grades were due, she said, "I would really like you to try to finish the semester. I know you can do it." So I completed about 75% of my coursework in about 3 days. I got an A. I can't believe it. I'm so thankful she pushed me, because it feels awesome not to have that hanging over me.

5. I'm running again. To deal with some of the depression, I started running again. I'm working back up to running 30 minutes. I have a ways to go, but I've also come a long way in the past 4 weeks. I've been running 4 times a week. It's pretty great. So great, that I decided to sign up for a half marathon. A friend helped me pay for registration, because she believes in me. So, in about 6 months and 3 weeks, I'm running the Dallas Half Marathon. It feels good to have a goal.

6. It's going to be ok. My quality of life has improved considerably over the past 2 weeks. Medication is helping. A product called "Thrive" is helping. I feel hope for the future for the first time in a long time. I've got supportive friends, a great husband, and 3 wonderful children. I think it will be ok.

Let's see if I can be a better blogger from now on....

Three things Friday

It's been a quiet week here on the blog, but thank goodness it's finally Friday!

1. I almost dropped my class. So I wrote to my professor and told him I was dropping the class. He wrote back and told me I had a high B and asked that I take the third exam and then decide if I wanted to drop. I agreed, and studied for the exam. I took the exam on Wednesday. Thursday I found out I got the highest grade in the class and set the curve. So, I figured I better stay in the class. Now all I have to do for this class is write a paper, that just so happens to me Chapter 1 of my dissertation. This is scary. And it's due in 19 days!

 

In other academic news, I have a presentation at a conference on April 28. It's about a project that I haven't quite finished yet. So I need to finish the project and prepare a presentation about it sometime before April 28. Just a little more stress.

2. I'm looking for new music for running. If you have a favorite workout song, can you let me know in the comments?

3. I'm thinking about what workouts I'm going to do when I'm finished with this round of 21 Day Fix. I love these workouts but I'm a little burned out. I can't decide, though, between Body Beast and Insanity Max 30.

Pros for Body Beast: I miss lifting and I need to work on pullups.

Cons for Body Beast: They are longer than 30 minutes. I'll have to drag out a lot of equipment.

Pros for Insanity Max 30: They are 30 minutes long. People have gotten amazing results. There is no equipment needed.

Cons for Insanity Max 30: I am really scared of these workouts and not sure I can do them. 

So I guess I'll continue to debate this for the next 2 weeks while I finish this round of 21 day fix...

vs.

So... what do you all think I should do for my next workout program?

Three Things Friday

Hooray, It's FRIDAY! What's your weekend ahead look like?

1. Working out with my daughter.
When I was pregnant with my now 4 year old daughter, I worked out the whole time.

There she is, in my belly.

I did a lot of Turbokick and Turbofire (which had just come out). I remember thinking "One day, this little girl is going to be big enough to workout with me. Well, this was yesterday:

It finally happened. She's now my workout buddy. I got a little emotional.

2. 21 Day Fix is.. extreme. These workouts are really tough. I have to confess, though, I didn't love Pilates Fix Extreme (even though my daughter did it with me). It was the least fun I think I've had working out in a while. So I'm considering subbing Piyo for it the next time it comes around....

More fun than Pilates Fix Extreme

3. Remember how I'm working on that doctorate?

I really am still working on a doctorate. I'm taking two classes this semester. But, in a rare case of me actually knowing and accepting my limits, I've decided to drop one of my classes. I'm feeling a mixture of total relief, and deep anxiety (how can you feel those both at the same time? I'm not sure...) If you've ever dropped a class, can you let me know how you felt? Did you regret it? Or were you happy you did it? In my case, I just don't think my heart is in it, and I've let myself get so behind that I don't think I can catch up.

Source

I hope your weekend is filled with the opposite of anxiety, and that you have a lovely Easter.