Friday, December 4, 2015

I mean, what's even the point?

I'm pretty discouraged about fitness/weight loss/body image these days. My workouts didn't go super great this week. My eating went even worse.

When I start to think how long it's been that I've been over weight (over 2 and a half years) and how many times I've tried and failed, only to end up back where I was... I get really sad.

It's a battle against myself. I succumbs to the treats at the office this week. And I can't eat just one of anything. I eat like 5. And then I hate myself.

I vow each day to do better, but I don't.

As for workouts, I went home sick Wednesday and didn't work out that day. Thursday's workout wasn't great because I felt bad. And TODAY, oh let's talk about today:

I went to the gym and got dressed, then tried to get in the gym. There was no one at the front desk, the gym was empty and the door was locked. At 10:45 AM.

See? It says nothing about being closed at 10:45
Every day this week I set my alarm for 4:00 AM so I could wake up and workout, and then have time to make the kids' lunches, get their food ready, prep my food, get ready, and leave in time for work. Instead I woke up around 6 every day and had to rush.

I did manage to get my makeup on today, once I arrived at work. I just couldn't put my coworkers through the alternative.

But I still couldn't get it together to put my contacts in.

Ok, but there are some good things happening. I got my dissertation proposal turned in, and the Incomplete on my record turned to a B. I'm happy with that. I also completed my last class assignment of the semester yesterday.

So, what can I do to get control over my eating? How can I finally lose this weight? I haven't weighed in a few weeks, but I'm estimating that I'm at 160-165. I'm wearing a size 12 pants. When I got pregnant with Aubrey I weighed after I first found out. I weighed 135, and wore a size 4-6. And I looked like this:

Any ideas? Do I need hypnosis? A self help book? Drugs? I don't know how to get back to that girl. But I do find myself listening to this song and wondering where she went:

Maybe I'll get it together this weekend. Stay tuned for a report.

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