Birthday Shenanigans and kind of some news

Today is my birthday...

I'm 42

Luckily, it coincides with both a Saturday and the release of a whole season of Fuller House so I pretty much had my day planned for me.

However, I still have children and they still want things, so I spent the morning doing laundry, making pancakes, watching "this*".

I did get a chance to go out and run. I moved to the next workout on my 5KRunner app and was pretty excited I made it through a 6 minute running interval. I was feeling great during my last 2 minutes of running, and running probably a little faster than I should have down a mild hill, and I tripped and fell. I got right up as soon as I could an finished the interval, but then I hobbled home, bleeding. Hopefully no one saw me fall. It was embarrassing.

But what I really wanted to talk about today was something I have been thinking about and have kind of decided.

So, when I decided to go back to school to get a doctorate, the main goal was to get a better job someday. The idea of calling myself "Doctor" is also fun, but at this point in my life, I need to think about what is going to make more money. Moving into leadership as a director of a library or a dean, or in university administration, was my goal.

But even though I was determined to finish long distance, moving and changing jobs has made it really challenging. I managed to finish my incomplete last semester and take a class on law in higher ed, but this semester I didn't enroll in any classes. The main reason is I just can't afford it.

I have taken out so many student loans in my life that I am not allowed to take out any more. Wow, thats an accomplishment. But it's incredibly depressing and even if I could, I won't take out any more student loans. I can't afford to pay out of pocket either, since we are still spending more than we make (that's a story for another day).

However, one of my benefits in my new job is a full tuition waiver. I mean, they pay for everything except books and the matriculation fee. This is an amazing opportunity (It's a very high quality private school), but none of the doctoral degrees really appeal or apply to me. So I started thinking about what degree I could get that could help me make more money at some point and give me a better chance of moving into leadership.

So I decided to apply to the MBA program.

It's such a significant program at our university that I think getting involved with it will inspire me and give me the tools to create some pretty awesome library initiatives for the students. So I think it will help me be a better librarian as well.

I applied and I'm waiting for my transcripts to arrive and then to hear if I'm accepted. If I am, I hope to start this summer.

I'm not giving up on the doctorate, but maybe in a few years when we are out of our financial hole and my kids are older, I can pick it up again. I mean, I'm only 42...

*"this" meaning some sort of dangerous gymnastics type stunt usually.

So I'm almost a runner... and other life events...

Well I've once again fallen off the face of the earth blogwise, so I guess I need to post what's been happening in my life. Lots of activity, lots of events. Lots of crying too. Let's see, where do I start?

The bad things:
1. I stopped taking my medication. This was a bad move. I thought I could function without it. I was on three different medications for depression. It was coming time for me to see the nurse practitioner and get my refills. My visits to the nurse practitioner cost $45 (copay). My medication copays add up to $70. I didn't want to spend that money, so I stopped. I thought I could just power through.

That was a mistake. I spent about a month spiraling into depression that rivaled the post-partum depression I had after my third child. I'm still climbing my way out of it.

In desperation, I held a GoFundMe fundraiser so I could afford to get going again. I was surprised and touched at how many friends care and want to help. I hope someday to be in a position where I can actually help other people. Right now I'm not.

2. I'm in a career rut. I don't love my job. I've been afraid to admit that. But it's true. I feel like my career has been a series of bad decisions. I see other people whose careers started around the same time as mine, and I feel like I've failed. Of course, I started my library career 4 weeks after giving birth to my first child, and since then I've had 2 more. So I guess I haven't completely failed at life. But sometimes I feel like I have. Sometimes I feel like if I didn't have kids I would be further in my career. That's probably true. But then I wouldn't have my kids. That would be even worse...

I look at where I am currently, and I feel stuck. There is no tenure/promotion system. There is nowhere for me to "work up to." I can't get a raise. I can't move up to anything. It feels like a dead end job. I'm not sure what my role is in the organization. I do what I'm supposed to, but the title "Reference/information literacy librarian" feels hollow, without purpose.

3. I want to be a stay at home mom. I realized lately that I absolutely hate leaving my children and going to work. My husband is not working during the day, so he has become the stay at home parent most days. And I am extremely jealous. I want to be the one to stay home with the kids.

But, there are also some good things happening.
4. I finished the semester. I decided about halfway through the semester to drop both classes. Well, my professors talked me out of it. One professor said, "Don't drop, just take an Incomplete." So that was my plan. Well, 3 days before grades were due, she said, "I would really like you to try to finish the semester. I know you can do it." So I completed about 75% of my coursework in about 3 days. I got an A. I can't believe it. I'm so thankful she pushed me, because it feels awesome not to have that hanging over me.

5. I'm running again. To deal with some of the depression, I started running again. I'm working back up to running 30 minutes. I have a ways to go, but I've also come a long way in the past 4 weeks. I've been running 4 times a week. It's pretty great. So great, that I decided to sign up for a half marathon. A friend helped me pay for registration, because she believes in me. So, in about 6 months and 3 weeks, I'm running the Dallas Half Marathon. It feels good to have a goal.

6. It's going to be ok. My quality of life has improved considerably over the past 2 weeks. Medication is helping. A product called "Thrive" is helping. I feel hope for the future for the first time in a long time. I've got supportive friends, a great husband, and 3 wonderful children. I think it will be ok.

Let's see if I can be a better blogger from now on....

Four Things Friday!

Hi five it's finally Friday! I've got several things to tell you about:

1. I was late for work because my daughter's knees hurt when she bends them.

Seriously. She was screaming that she wanted to go to the doctor instead of school.
I can't make this stuff up.

2. I sent my professor the draft of my Chapter 1 of my dissertation. That was surreal. Only ++++ chapters to go, right?

3.  For months I have been stuck in my size 10 jeans. Today I am wearing size 8 jeans. I just can't get over how awesome that feels! Single digits, y'all!

4. I'm a lazy blogger today and don't have many pictures for you, but here's one of me giving you a high five!

Have a great weekend, y'all!

Three things Friday

It's been a quiet week here on the blog, but thank goodness it's finally Friday!

1. I almost dropped my class. So I wrote to my professor and told him I was dropping the class. He wrote back and told me I had a high B and asked that I take the third exam and then decide if I wanted to drop. I agreed, and studied for the exam. I took the exam on Wednesday. Thursday I found out I got the highest grade in the class and set the curve. So, I figured I better stay in the class. Now all I have to do for this class is write a paper, that just so happens to me Chapter 1 of my dissertation. This is scary. And it's due in 19 days!

 

In other academic news, I have a presentation at a conference on April 28. It's about a project that I haven't quite finished yet. So I need to finish the project and prepare a presentation about it sometime before April 28. Just a little more stress.

2. I'm looking for new music for running. If you have a favorite workout song, can you let me know in the comments?

3. I'm thinking about what workouts I'm going to do when I'm finished with this round of 21 Day Fix. I love these workouts but I'm a little burned out. I can't decide, though, between Body Beast and Insanity Max 30.

Pros for Body Beast: I miss lifting and I need to work on pullups.

Cons for Body Beast: They are longer than 30 minutes. I'll have to drag out a lot of equipment.

Pros for Insanity Max 30: They are 30 minutes long. People have gotten amazing results. There is no equipment needed.

Cons for Insanity Max 30: I am really scared of these workouts and not sure I can do them. 

So I guess I'll continue to debate this for the next 2 weeks while I finish this round of 21 day fix...

vs.

So... what do you all think I should do for my next workout program?