The bad things:
1. I stopped taking my medication. This was a bad move. I thought I could function without it. I was on three different medications for depression. It was coming time for me to see the nurse practitioner and get my refills. My visits to the nurse practitioner cost $45 (copay). My medication copays add up to $70. I didn't want to spend that money, so I stopped. I thought I could just power through.
That was a mistake. I spent about a month spiraling into depression that rivaled the post-partum depression I had after my third child. I'm still climbing my way out of it.
In desperation, I held a GoFundMe fundraiser so I could afford to get going again. I was surprised and touched at how many friends care and want to help. I hope someday to be in a position where I can actually help other people. Right now I'm not.
2. I'm in a career rut. I don't love my job. I've been afraid to admit that. But it's true. I feel like my career has been a series of bad decisions. I see other people whose careers started around the same time as mine, and I feel like I've failed. Of course, I started my library career 4 weeks after giving birth to my first child, and since then I've had 2 more. So I guess I haven't completely failed at life. But sometimes I feel like I have. Sometimes I feel like if I didn't have kids I would be further in my career. That's probably true. But then I wouldn't have my kids. That would be even worse...
I look at where I am currently, and I feel stuck. There is no tenure/promotion system. There is nowhere for me to "work up to." I can't get a raise. I can't move up to anything. It feels like a dead end job. I'm not sure what my role is in the organization. I do what I'm supposed to, but the title "Reference/information literacy librarian" feels hollow, without purpose.
3. I want to be a stay at home mom. I realized lately that I absolutely hate leaving my children and going to work. My husband is not working during the day, so he has become the stay at home parent most days. And I am extremely jealous. I want to be the one to stay home with the kids.
But, there are also some good things happening.
4. I finished the semester. I decided about halfway through the semester to drop both classes. Well, my professors talked me out of it. One professor said, "Don't drop, just take an Incomplete." So that was my plan. Well, 3 days before grades were due, she said, "I would really like you to try to finish the semester. I know you can do it." So I completed about 75% of my coursework in about 3 days. I got an A. I can't believe it. I'm so thankful she pushed me, because it feels awesome not to have that hanging over me.
5. I'm running again. To deal with some of the depression, I started running again. I'm working back up to running 30 minutes. I have a ways to go, but I've also come a long way in the past 4 weeks. I've been running 4 times a week. It's pretty great. So great, that I decided to sign up for a half marathon. A friend helped me pay for registration, because she believes in me. So, in about 6 months and 3 weeks, I'm running the Dallas Half Marathon. It feels good to have a goal.
6. It's going to be ok. My quality of life has improved considerably over the past 2 weeks. Medication is helping. A product called "Thrive" is helping. I feel hope for the future for the first time in a long time. I've got supportive friends, a great husband, and 3 wonderful children. I think it will be ok.
Let's see if I can be a better blogger from now on....
